I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
