I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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