Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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