i would punch a child for taco bell
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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