wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
40s are totally the cure
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
