So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
