she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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