One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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