I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
