atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
