I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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