Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
