i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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