it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize