I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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