hell yes lets make some ravioli
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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