i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
