This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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