Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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