Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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