I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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