What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
