happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
