Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize