mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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