Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
