I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
