Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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