I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
