I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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