I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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