fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
