there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
