Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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