My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Non-Jews are for practice
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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