does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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