My liver just broke up with me...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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