Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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