i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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