I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize