i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I forget how to act sober
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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