i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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