I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
