at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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