My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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