I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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