I wanna passion pit in your ass
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
