I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
