I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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