You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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