How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Can I color on your dick again?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
