i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
