I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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