I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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