You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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