He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
