Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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