Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
