so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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