I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
