Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize